Perfect Poise, Perfect Life
Bring your body into balance and revolutionise your life
By Noel Kingsley
Publisher Hodder Mobius
AVAILABLE HERE
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Holding a grudge?
When someone lets us down, disappoints us or does something to upset us, it's very easy to feel resentment or even have a grudge against them. "How dare they!" "Don't they understand me?"
I had a centenarian client some time ago (she passed on at the grand age of 104 having had an extraordinary life). I asked her once how she'd managed to live so long when most of her immediate family had all died young; none older than in their mid 60s. She said that she never held a grudge or felt resentment and if something happened, she always 'let it go'. She was a Christian lady and was always grateful for what she got and if things didn't work out the way she'd hope, she would just think 'Ah well, never mind' and smile. She always smiled....always. She said "All these young people are getting angry at one thing or another and it makes them sick!" When I asked if she'd always felt this way, she replied "Oh No! Only since I was 70!" Thank you for such great wisdom, I thought. I was privileged to work with her every week for two years.
Reflecting about this, getting angry, holding a grudge or feeling resentment does nothing to anyone except to ourselves. It is 'us' who feels the anger and negative emotion; it is 'us' who feels the knot in the stomach and it's us that has the ill feeling. And if we're not feeling it consciously it's working away inside of us; our blockage to our own emotions only serves to make us less sensitive to the state we are in. All this negative emotion does nothing to the other person; it does not punish them. Indeed we punish ourselves first, last and only us. Only us. So why bother?
Feeling resentment, anger and holding a grudge fixes us in the past. The situation that enraged us is over yet we continue to hold the emotion. We're stuck in the past, yet life is all about moving on.
Even if we feel justified about our anger, it's likely that we do not know the full extent of what was going on in the other person's mind or life to make them 'appear' to behave the way they did. (Our perception is only one angle on the situation and may not hold true to reality. We all have our own reality.)
If we feel any hurt or resentment, I think it's a good idea to follow the example of a 104 year old who smiled her way through a very happy life in the best of health; let it go and be thankful for what we've got. Life isn't all bad. Indeed it can be as good as we'd like to make it.
Do you like to enjoy life? Yeah!
Do we like to feel bad? No!
Why beat ourselves up then? Let's let it all go. Have a smile, have a laugh. Give the person a hug. Remember the actions that people do are not 'who they are', but what they did. Underneath the armour, beyond the action about which we chose to feel resentment is the most loving person we can every hope to meet. And if you don't think that of someone, then you're not looking deep enough. Remember we choose our emotions. We choose to feel resentment. We can equally choose to let it go and be happy. Being 'friends' is much more fun than being 'enemies'!
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. We can start by forgiving ourselves for causing such pain...for ourselves. We do not 'intend' to hurt ourselves with anger and resentment; it can be a habit. Forgiveness to ourselves can help some healing and forgiveness to another helps the healing of a relationship. Just let it go.
It's our life and we can choose to be happy,.....if we like! :-)
Comments
I really like this post - perhaps because it almost could be written by myself ;-)
I think we have a lot of choices and it's up to us to be happy, but the problem is that people tend to stuck in the negative loop. It's like it's contagious...
I have an old post about this subject if you care to read it:
http://lifecruiser.com/archive/dont-worry-be-happy/
Posted by: Lifecruiser | November 1, 2007 5:20 PM
While I read and understand what your saying with regards to individual views and how holding a grudge can kill you from within. I am going through a similar situation, but there are people who like to play with people's emotions to obtain what they want then hurt them later. I try not to feel resentment, and I really try to be an adult about it, but when you are forced to come into contact with this person everyday it becomes hard. Especially when these people like to and know how to push your buttons, I can see if it were a one time misunderstanding, but when they make it a point to do it again, and again , then there is a problem.
Hi Luis, Thanks for your comment and I'm sorry you have such a situation. We cannot control other people and there's no knowing why some act the way they do. All we can do is look after ourselves. How we react or respond to other's comments is up to us. You say they know your buttons. But if you are able to find the strength to not react in the way they expect...just for a while, they may realise that those 'buttons' don't work and they'll lay off. We cannot control them, but we can do a lot for ourselves. They clearly have problems of their own and we can sympathise with them, but there's no point or benefit in holding a grudge or getting angry with them as the anger affects you more than it will affect them. I do hope your situation changes. Best wishes, Noel
Posted by: luis | March 14, 2008 8:50 AM